Surgery is tomorrow morning at 6am. I’m feeling simultaneously like a kid on Christmas Eve, while also dreading the pain and recovery process. But I’m happy to be making progress towards getting to the other side of this.
I mentioned this before, but this whole process has brought up so much for me emotionally. I know I don’t hold all the real estate in finding it hard to ask for help. However, this challenge runs far deeper for me than most. I was raised in a culture that fostered pride in independence. If you relied on someone else, your needs probably wouldn’t get met. I also held some pretty toxic friendships that were unstable and manipulative. Being vulnerable and having needs was actually physically and/or emotionally dangerous. In addition, I’m an 8 on the Enneagram. If you don’t know what that is, look into it. It’s an amazing tool that has really helped me not only understand myself, but also those around me. For real though, 8’s would rather get the plague than ask for help.
Asking for help was hard, but what has been surprisingly harder has been receiving the help I asked for! Inviting my friends and community in to this process has really up rooted some deep guttural fears that I didn’t even realize were there. People have showed up for us in amazing and surprising ways. I am beyond grateful. There’s this little voice inside that keeps whispering we don’t deserve this- I don’t deserve this. I’ve been thinking a lot about neuroplasticity and paying attention to those neurons in my brain that have been telling me for so long that people won’t show up.
Y’all have been part of something pretty life changing for me to be quite honest. I’m undoing some really old patterns and letting go of the ego and false self in a pretty substantial way. Words of appreciate don’t do justice the gratitude I have for all of you who have given me the opportunity to unpack these skeletons. Thank you. I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes 🖤